BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a bad sunburn.

PRUNE:
A plum who has been hanging out with the raisins.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Grand prix race announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The Gastro-entomologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it! The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a Gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who couldn't give a crap.

Stan Frager

Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Rita Rudner

Returning from the "New World", an English sailing ship was two weeks out to sea. The first mate was on lookout in the crow's nest and spotted a pirate ship on the horizon.

The young mate ran into the captain's quarters and excitedly reported the pirates' approach. "Calm down, Son, and sound the alarm to warn the crew!," said the captain. "But first, go to my chest and bring me my red shirt."

"Bring you your red shirt?," questioned the first mate.

"I don't have time...just do it!," bellowed the captain.

The mate did as he was told. The captain led the defense of the ship. The pirate ship was repulsed.

Another week passed. The first mate was again in the crow's nest and, this time, spotted two pirate ships.

Again the mate ran to find the captain, this time more excited and scared than before. The captain actually had to slap him to calm his down. Again, the captain finished his orders with "bring me my red shirt!"

The mate didn't question the request this time. The captain led the defense of the ship and, against all odds, the crew heroically repulsed both pirate ships!

That night, the captain allowed the crew to break out what little stores they had to celebrate their improbable victory. During the celebration the first mate sat next to the captain and told him, "I am so impressed with your leadership. I want to be a captain just like you when I am older."

"Thank you, son. I think you'll make a fine one," replied the captain.

"But...can I ask you one thing?," asked the mate. "Why did you always wear the red shirt?"

"Well, since you will someday lead men into battle, I will share this secret. But you must not share it with anyone," said the captain. "I don the red shirt to hide the blood of any wound I might suffer during battle. For, you see, if the men see my blood they might loose heart and we might lose the battle."

"Wow! You're even braver than I thought," exclaimed the first mate.

Another week passed and the mate was again in the crow's nest on watch. This time he spied the entire Spanish Armada on the horizon!

In a complete blather, he rushed upon the captain. Unable to decipher his paniced communication, the captain threw water in the mate's face. Shocked, the mate was then able to relay the horrible news, which obviously doomed the entire crew.

"Calm yourself. Sound the alarm," the captain told the first mate, "and...bring me my brown pants!"

Greg Kuhn
Laugh Doctor Junior

Mike Dugan

And sure enough, nine o'clock the next morning, someone was banging on my door yelling, "When the hell are you gonna get a place of your own?"

Brian McKim

The ATM machine.

Jay Leno

Do you know the difference between a big business and a small business? In a big business you must always answer to your stockholders. In a small business you must always answer your own phone. (With a smile...customers can hear it.)

Trish Albers

He said, "Because you came home from work early!"

By Rodney Dangerfield, RIP

Greg Kuhn
Laugh Doctor Junior